Where are You From?
Ask a *Third Culture Kid (TCK) where he/she is from, and watch most of them stumble over the answer. The TCK wonders, do you mean where I was born? The country of my passport? Where I live now? Where I used to live? Where my parents live? The place where I feel I most belong? And so the confusion begins!
On my recent trip to Utah, I met hundreds of new people. And 99% of each new conversation started with two questions: “What’s your name? Where are you from?” To tell you the truth, even I got tired of answering it. I started wondering to myself again – do you want the long answer or the short answer? Do I like you enough to tell you my whole life story? Or do you like me well enough to want to listen to it?
This question is the reason why so many TCKs have some identify confusion. It’s just complicated, and my personal opinion is that the answer needs to be rehearsed so that various versions are ready for different occasions.
But when TCKs get around other TCKs, the mood changes. All of the sudden it’s fun to compare notes! I was reminded of this yesterday when I was on the set of Dubai One television to tape an interview about TCKs for the show, “Twenty Something”. I met someone in the lobby of the studio who had a Swiss and Indonesian parent. We instantly had a connection. The presenter was born and raised in Dubai, but her parents were from Karala, India. Another staff member has Lebanese and Jordanian parents, but was raised in London. The staff person attending me is from the Philippines and her son is being raised in Dubai. The next guest interviewed, a celebrity hairdresser from Los Angeles, spoke of his multi-cultural background before his parents immigrated to the United States during his interview for the show. Everyone I spoke to had a mixed heritage from a multitude of cultures. Since the topic of the show was to talk about Third Culture Kids, everyone was in the mood to share bits of their own life stories. In that setting and situation, it was fun! And why? because we were with our own “tribe” of other people who understand what it means to have a very international life. Even though I’m an adult now, the same rules that apply for TCKs also apply to me….We don’t belong anywhere 100% – and yet we seem to fit in everywhere. Rootlessness and restlessness. Home is everywhere and nowhere. These are a few ways many TCKs define themselves.
Would you agree? What has been your experience, or that of your children’s, when it comes to roots, identity, and sense of belonging?
Feel free to comment – and if you get satellite TV, watch the interview about TCKs on Dubai One next Monday, April 19 at 8 pm, Tuesday at 3 pm, and Friday at 7 pm!
Click here for more resources about TCKs, or here to read more of my articles on the topic.
*A Third Culture Kid is someone who has spent a significant amount of their developmental years outside their parents own culture. The TCK builds relationships to all cultures while not having full ownership in any. Although elements of each culture is assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, a sense of belonging is in relationship to others of a similar background. – definition from David C. Pollock and Ruth Van Reken’s book, Third Culture Kids, The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds
Options for Struggling Teens
All of us know of teens or young adults who seem to have a harder time growing up than others. They have various struggles, and these struggles can derail them from getting on with their lives. But there is help available for them, and those who are lucky enough to find it can turn their lives around.
In earlier posts, I wrote about my trip to Utah to visit therapeutic programs to help these struggling teens, and promised to write more about the various options. The first option I would like to share with you is a wilderness program, since I think that there are often many misconceptions about what a wilderness program is.
Wilderness programs provide students with an environment that gets them away from harmful influences by immersing them in nature. There they come face to face with themselves, their behaviors, and the negative forces that have been with them in their lives. These kids are usually in patterns that include poor decision-making, the choice of negative peers, and school failure or avoidance. Sometimes they have been dabbling in substance use (drugs, alcohol, smoking) and their actions have usually upset the entire household. The attention-getting behaviors usually are a symptom of more profound issues that need to be addressed. Families realize that something has to change, and are willing to take serious steps to get their children the help they need. Kids, on the other hand, rarely think that going to a wilderness program is a great idea – at least in the beginning.
What happens in a reputable, quality, clinical wilderness program? First of all, every action and interaction is designed to be instructive and therapeutic. Masters and PhD level psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists all make up the therapeutic team that works with the adolescent. Therapy is done in group sessions with positive peer interactions, as well as individually. Kids start to identify the issues that lie underneath all the negative behavior. Sophisticated clinical assessments can also be made in the field, and usually yield extremely accurate results since the teen usually starts to shed their armor by then.
Wilderness is NOT and never should be punitive, harmful, or survivalist. The physical and emotional well-being of the individual is always highly respected. Parents are brought into the therapeutic process so that the entire family can be a part of the positive change in a student’s life. When an educational consultant is involved, the therapist also works closely with the consultant to update him/her on the progress of the student, and to discuss next steps.
What might those next steps be? Sometimes the kids go home – but there need to be supports and a plan in place to be sure that the gains made in treatment hold. Many times the teen will go on to a residential treatment program, therapeutic boarding school, or traditional boarding school, depending on their need. A residential treatment center, or RTC, has the most clinical approach, usually with a psychiatrist on staff, multiple specialized therapeutic sessions per week, individualized therapy, 24/7 staff on call, and of course, school for the kids. However, in these cases the psychological/emotional needs of the student must be the primary focus in order for the learning to eventually fall in to place again. A therapeutic boarding school is very similar to an RTC, but usually has slightly less therapeutic intervention. Then there are “step-down” programs that students can attend once they are ready to integrate more and more into a more traditional setting. And of course, there are more traditional boarding schools that work for some kids coming out of wilderness, or who have graduated from a therapeutic program. (I wrote an earlier article about these options.)
Not all programs are the same, and there are sometimes subtle and not-so-subtle differences between them. Educational consultants travel constantly to see first hand what programs have to offer, and to be sure that the programs and schools deliver on their promises. I have seen great websites for programs that I don’t use or trust, and I have had parents call me after they learn the hard way that not all programs do what they say they will. I have also seen amazing programs that are life-changing for teens.
But after visiting numerous programs in various parts of the United States, this is one thing I can say with certainty. There are some fabulous, dedicated, highly trained, caring, compassionate, and experienced therapists and staff in these programs. They choose spend their lives working with the kids that are in crisis, and their work not only changes lives, but saves lives as well. There is nothing more rewarding for any of us than to see a young person’s life turn around and to see hope restored.
What Do Kids Have to Say about their Therapeutic Program Experiences?
“I used to be a good manipulator, and here it just doesn’t work….things get questioned here. I lied to myself a lot, too. I ask myself, “What is the truth?”
In order to really understand what happens in a therapeutic program, it’s important to listen to the kids themselves. At almost every school or program we (Louise Slater, May Peach, and I) went to, we did just that – listened. Note that when the kids were asked to talk about their issues, very few of them spoke of drug or alcohol use in isolation – and in fact, not all kids have even been involved in those issues. Rather, they demonstrated a remarkable sense of self-awareness and honesty that many adults don’t have.
The questions we asked were “What issues are you working on and what have you learned?” Here is what the teens had to say at one school. But answers were very similar in many places we visited.
• Narcissism
• Family relationships
• What I’m going to do with my life
• Examining my motives
• Relationships
• Eating disorders
• Substance abuse
• Dealing with my mom’s death
• How to deal with an alcoholic father
• Impulsivity
• Relationships
• Separate my own thoughts from my mom (who was also struggling) in a healthy way
• Doing program for myself, not for anyone else
• It’s empowering
• It’s my life
• Learning things many people never learn
• We’ll be a huge leap ahead (in terms of emotional awareness)
• Self-awareness
• When I go home on a home pass, I can’t identify with the life I thought I missed
• You’ve changed but maybe your family hasn’t changed as much
• When I went home, I was actually looking forward to coming back
• I can handle myself better
• Helps define good/bad relationships
• See there’s a way out of the past – you aren’t defined by it
• Hope
• Identify negative behaviors
• Learned how to be honest
• Support
• Make good relationships
• People will call you out if needed
• Family – the school also works with the family, too – that’s huge since he’s been there
• Can’t B.S. here – looking back, it’s what has helped him the most
• People stick with you
• Feels like a family here
• School is really cool here – they teach you to take the initiative
• I’ve made the best friends I’ve made in my life here
• Family therapy – I live 2500 miles from my family and I’ve never been closer to them
• Working through anger, resentments – I have completely different relationships now
Then we asked, “What plans do you have for your future?”
• I’d like to be a psychology major, go to law school, and help other kids get the help instead of going to jail
• I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t come here …maybe dead by now
• I wouldn’t put it past myself to want to work in one of the places…I want to give back
• Teach art in a treatment center
• Be a chef
I’m sure the list would have been much longer, but we ran out of time. The kids we met were awesome – open , honest, and real. They were eager to talk, and their enthusiasm for the changes they have seen in themselves as a result of the hard work they have put in was a justifiable source of pride. What also moved me was the love and support they showed for each other – they showed true empathy and personal connection.
Do you know of a teen who is struggling? They may not want the help to begin with, but after listening to the kids themselves, we can see that the right program does help to give a teen his/her life back. Let us know if we can help advise a family through the process.
The next blog will explore the different kinds of therapeutic programs and schools.
by Rebecca (Becky) Grappo, founder, RNG International Educational Consultants, LLC
Understanding Therapeutic Programs and Schools
What really happens in a therapeutic school or program, and what kinds of kids go there? And how does one know which program will be right for a particular child/student’s needs? Getting the answer to those questions was the focus of my most recent trip to Utah where I saw 31 programs in just 10 days. There is so much to report on that I will break it up into smaller postings. Even if you have a dream child and think this isn’t for you, maybe you have a relative, or a friend’s child, who needs help and support. Feel free to share this information with them, or have them contact me.
There are therapeutic schools and programs throughout the United States, but the biggest concentration of them is in the West, and Utah has over 100 of them. So on March 14, I set off with two other educational consultants and friends of mine, May Peach and Louise Slater, of Columbia, South Carolina, to see as much as we could from north to south, east to west in the state of Utah. We undertook this venture because we refer kids to these programs, and there is nothing like a site visit to get a clearer understanding of what each one has to offer that is unique. Some of the places we visited run awesome programs, while others will not be places we refer to any time soon.
What kinds of kids are served? I often hear parents tell me “I don’t want my kid with THOSE kids.” But “THOSE” kids are just like any other – they need to be loved, accepted, and healed of the emotional distress that has caused them to “act out” or “turn inward”. These emotional and/or behavioral issues have caused them, their families, and their friends a lot of pain. The symptoms of distress may be school failure or avoidance, risky behavior, disrespect, oppositional defiance, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, anger management, or a whole host of other manifestations. Some kids turn inward and don’t act out, and those issues are also alarming. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, etc, are also symptoms of inner turmoil but may be better hidden if the child withdraws and is not aggressive. Many of these kids are also coping with trauma and attachment issues, or need help to understand how to form close, loving, healthy, and positive relationships.
The good news is that there are many skilled professionals (clinical psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, therapists, etc.) who understand and dedicate their lives to these young people. Through therapy, they help kids confront their issues, accept responsibility for their actions, learn healthy coping mechanisms, and build skills for emotional well-being for the rest of their lives. In short, they help these young people to get their lives back. Each program has a slightly different niche of student they work with, so it’s important for me as a consultant to understand how to best match the child with the therapeutic
The dog and pony show at a therapeutic school
In my next postings, I will talk about the difference between types of programs, and let you hear from incredibly courageous kids about what they’ve learned along their own journeys. Stay tuned!
“Trailblazer” Expats Robin Pascoe and Jo Parfitt Honored at FIGT
When members of the audience were asked to stand if their own life had been touched by either Robin Pascoe or Jo Parfitt, almost everyone in the room stood up. Jo and Robin have authored numerous books on expat living, lectured around the world, and inspired others to find opportunities and humor in the challenges of expat life.
After the introduction, Jo got to talk about Robin, and Robin about Jo, and as would be expected, each was full of admiration and affection for the other. But lest you think it was sappy and sugar-coated, they both had the audience roaring with laughter.
Some of the better known books by Jo include Career in a Suitcase, Find Your Passion, Expat Entrepreneur, Grow Your Networks, Expat Writer: Release the Book Within, and 21 other books. If you ever wanted to write your own book, Jo is the one to coach you through it since this is her full-time business now.
Robin is best known for A Movable Marriage, Raising Global Nomads, A Broad Abroad, and Homeward Bound, and her humorous and inspiring lectures to parents around the world.
If you aren’t familiar with their books, blogs, or tweets, go to www.joparfitt.com and http://www.expatexpert.com/.
In the world of expatriate living, it’s nice to know that we have our heroines and “Trailblazers”, too!
Advice for Couples Separated by Assignments
As I wrote yesterday, the audience at FIGT was inspired by the Ivany’s “straight from the heart” conversation about raising their own kids overseas. (In fact, upon reviewing my notes later, I saw the title of that program, “Encouraging the Courage of Children”. Perfect.) But at the end, a member of the audience asked the Ivany’s what advice they would give to other couples that face challenges in their marriage due to separated assignments. Dr. Ivany, a retired U.S. Army general whose career spanned 34 years, stated that their family’s success was a result of their teamwork as a couple. This was an unscripted, spontaneous answer to a question, but I think it is valuable to hear what they had to say about how to manage life and relationships during a deployment.
➢ Maryanne (from a wife’s point of view): Stay put when your spouse is deployed. “Don’t run home to Mamma.” She pointed out that you lose more control over your life that way, and after awhile, being a houseguest again gets old.
➢ Maryanne: Do things for other people. Stay busy. Live outside of yourself and think of other people’s needs.
➢ Maryanne: Try not to whine or complain (too much!) to your spouse during their deployment.
➢ Maryanne: Be positive and try to help other people while your husband is gone.
➢ Robert: Remember, communication can be a two-edged sword. Be careful. Yes, express your feelings and talk about what is going on at home. But too much information can be detrimental.
➢ Robert: Troups today experience a great deal of stress and sometimes it’s because of the immediacy of communication from home. When they hear of problems that they cannot solve, it raises their stress level, too.
Though this was a quick, “off the cuff” answer to a question, and not an entire presentation, it is an honest take on how to manage certain parts of an unaccompanied assignment. And though it is from a military point of view, many other families are also separated. My own foreign service family is separated by assignment now, too. Some of my students have had parents who have had to go on to the next assignment before the rest of the family. Other families are separated by illness or family crises. Still others are separated because of evacuations. We should be mindful that it could happen to any of us at any time. And the wise learn from the experience of others.
8 Steps to Building a Close Expat Family
Expat families who move frequently know that it’s a challenge to keep everybody happy about all the changes. And few families move as often as military or diplomatic families, who move about every 2 or 3 years. So who better to give advice than parents who did it successfully for over 34 years?
Dr. and Mrs. Ivany – or Robert and Maryann – know a thing or two about successful moves, having raised 4 children around the world during (retired) General Ivany’s military career. They were invited to speak as a team to those gathered for FIGT, and their sage and practical advice inspired the audience to give them a standing ovation at the end.
What are their secrets to building a close expat family?
1. Family closeness does not come by itself. You have to work at it. It takes extra effort.
2. Build excitement about the next move and be positive. They had a ritual of always getting out the State Farm atlas and finding their next location on the map. They learned about the location – whether it was foreign or domestic – and found things to look forward to.
3. Family rituals are important. Dr. Ivany drew laughter from the crowd when he talked about one family ritual they had – a weekly “Forced Family Fun” day! They called it “FQ” for short. Robert and Maryann would plan an activity that everyone could participate in and would enjoy – the kids knew that they needed to show up. How many of us have negotiated with kids who reject our ideas of fun? Instilling this ritual in family life when they are young, and sticking to it, meant that the family did spend lots of quality and FUN time together.
3. Focusing on something bigger than yourself keeps perspective. They found that practicing their religious faith was an anchor for the family as well.
4. Take advantage of unique surroundings. If there are camels to ride, ride them! If there are new sites to explore, find them.
5. Connect with other members of the community so that there is mutual support. Give as much as you take.
6. Stay in touch with family as you are separated. “Thank God for Skype!” Dr. Ivany exclaimed.
7. Check out the school. This was their number one challenge and concern throughout his military career, especially since they had one special needs child. Hopefully you will find the right school for your children – but if you don’t, find the support your child needs. If that means making changes, then do it.
8. Keep your sense of humor. There will be bad days, and you have to find a way to laugh.
The Ivany’s must have done something right. All four children are grown now and serving the military in one way or another – and still continue to travel the world. It’s no wonder that at the end of their humorous, candid, and inspiring talk, this husband and wife team received a standing ovation.
What are some things that have worked for keeping your expat families strong? I invite you to comment and share what you have learned, too!
Next – the Ivany’s tips for couples to keep their relationship strong.
Teaching Locally, Thinking Globally: Helping School Educators Think about TCKs
Perhaps one of the highlights of the conference for me was the presentation by Ruth Van Reken, who co-authored the book, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, with the late David Pollock. This is the defining book for all who are interested in the lives of Third Culture Kids. (The newest revised edition just came out.) Ruth is a legend in the field of TCK and cross-cultural research, and spreads the message about these kids around the world with the zeal of a missionary. Therefore, I was thrilled to be there for her session.
In it, she explored the theme that all of us who have our own children who are TCKs, or who work with, TCKs, know all too well. And that is, the experiences that our children have had growing up internationally are rarely understood, validated, appreciated, or even acknowledged when they repatriate to the country of their passport. Even in schools, where one would hope that educators would exhibit more curiosity, the experiences of the Global Nomad are usually ignored. Thus, our kids, who have so much richness to offer others, often feel shut down, strange, different, weird, and alienated from others when it comes to this element of their lives.
What can be done about this? Ruth has worked with teachers and school systems over the years, and she says the first point is that local educators need to be convinced that awareness of TCKs is important. The audience participants broke into groups to discuss how this awareness might be raised, and several good strategies were suggested. The conclusion of the group was that each of us has a responsibility to carry the message forward in our own circles, our children’s classrooms, and in our schools. Our dream would be to see multi-cultural and cross-cultural education be a greater part of teacher education, too. This means not just raising awareness about racial multiculturalism and diversity, but awareness about diversity of thought. TCKs may look like everyone else, but have so much more to offer about their perspectives of the world. I personally felt validated in my own work for TCKs, and the articles and presentations I have done. I would gladly do more – just ask! (To see a listing of workshops I have led, see http://www.rebeccagrappo.com/presentations.html)
The other point that Ruth made is that diversity of thought and experience goes far beyond just TCKs – she talks about how few of us fit into any particular “box” anymore. She used the term “Cross-Cultural Kids (CCKs)” to show how truly multicultural people are in today’s world. This would include TCKs, and domestic TCKs. Ruth used President Barack Obama as an example of someone who would be able to draw from many of these categories – he is a TCK, bicultural, biracial, a child of an immigrant, an educational CCK (he attended a local school in Indonesia by day and returned to his home culture by night), and is the child of a minority. Did I leave anything out? If you are interested in reading more about his example, Ruth wrote an article “Obama’s Third Culture Team” that I have put on my website, along with other resources about TCKs, at http://www.rebeccagrappo.com/resources.html#tck.
The most important point for us to take away from this is that kids who have had cross-cultural experiences have the ability to empathize, communicate, and connect with other people. They can use their multicultural experiences to bring perspective and curiosity to the world around them. What a waste it would be for us to ignore these powerful gifts.
Updates from the Families in Global Transitions Conference
Day one of the Families in Global Transitions conference was as great as I expected it to be! Some of the “rock stars” in the world of working with expat families are here, and it’s wonderful to hear their insights and wisdom.
Yesterday morning I attended a fantastic 3 hour presentation called, “TCKS Repatriating for University: Confronting the Challenges and Building Communities” by Tina Quick, Darci Nealeigh, and Candy Hart. I will try to briefly summarize it here.
Tina Quick, who just wrote a book on this topic, led the discussion and gave us 4 “Pearls of Wisdom” for TCKS going “home” to the country of their passport for college. It can be a much more difficult transition than anyone expects.
Pearl #!:
TCK Identity Development – TCKS need to be aware of the terms of being a TCK, the general characteristics, and hear the message before they return, even if they don’t take it in right away. Knowing they are a TCK helps them to know why they are different so that a student does not suffer from “Terminal Uniqueness Syndrome”, i.e. why am I so weird and why can’t I fit in?
Pearl #2:
Moving around and this high mobility lifestyle brings about a lot of loss and therefore, unresolved grief. There is a good way to grieve and a bad way to grieve. Her presentation included video clips of interviews with some of the college students she works with, and if you don’t believe this is an issue, then listen to the kids.
Pearl #3:
Understand the 5 stages of transition. They are:
1. Involvement
2. Leaving
3. Transition
4. Entering
5. Reinvolvement
The upshot of this is that if kids know it is going to be hard, that there will be good days and bad days, but that they can come out on the other side, they will be better able to deal with the roller coaster ride.
Pearl #4:
Most TCKS DO have difficulty fitting back in with their peers at first. First there is the dreaded question, “Where are you from?” Secondly, the TCK experiences have been so different that it is difficult for many kids to relate to them. This is not a uniquely American experience – remember, TCKs can be from any nationality, and the experience is universal. When TCKs feel like they can’t fit in with their peers, it’s important for them to find common ground and to meet their peers halfway. Everyone has a story to tell.
The second part of the presentation was led by two college students, Darci and Candy, and they talked about how they organized a TCK organization on their college campus. I was blown away by the poise, maturity, dedication, fabulous ideas, and dedication that these young woman possessed. If only more TCKs could meet for fun, mutual support, and sharing on college campuses – but in the end, it’s probably going to be up to the students themselves to organize and make their needs known.
More to come about this fabulous conference! Next – a summary of the outstanding session I heard led by Ruth Van Reken, who co-authored the seminal book on TCKs with David Pollock, The Third Culture Kid Experience. The new edition of her book is out. “Wow” is all I can say for now!
Stay tuned!
Hello world!
Welcome to my blog where I will be talking about important issues that families face as they move their children around the world. There are many wonderful advantages as well as challenges that come with raising global nomads. Here you will find discussion about issues that are on every expat parent’s mind – transitions and resiliency for our Third Culture Kids, planning for the next move and choosing the right school, how to best serve our children with special needs, and when boarding schools are the right choice. We also need a forum to talk about what to do when our kids struggle and things start getting rough. And lastly, we need to talk about planning for college/university and how to go through the application process.
Why join me? I am an educational consultant, but not just any ed consultant. I specialize in working with internationally mobile families as well as international students. These families face all the challenges that every other family faces, and then some. Few people “back home” really understand what it means to uproot your family every few years and start all over again in a new part of the world. Even going “home” isn’t as easy as one would think!
So when I am working with a family, we not only need to talk about the schooling issues at hand, but also how that fits into the reality of being a global nomad. There is an extra layer of complexity that we need to deal with, whether it be choosing a college, boarding school, finding solutions for the child with learning challenges, or transitioning to a new locale. The conversations are about the child and school – and so much more.
However, many of my international families are NOT on the move. Many of the students and families I work with are living and working in their native lands, yet also have concerns about their children’s education. I have worked with families from every corner of the world, and from a huge range of ethnic and religious backgrounds. Being aware of how culture affects the situation is also critically important when working with a family.
So join me on the journey as we talk about that which is most dear to us – our children!
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