8 Steps to Building a Close Expat Family
March 12, 2010 at 2:14 pm 5 comments
Expat families who move frequently know that it’s a challenge to keep everybody happy about all the changes. And few families move as often as military or diplomatic families, who move about every 2 or 3 years. So who better to give advice than parents who did it successfully for over 34 years?
Dr. and Mrs. Ivany – or Robert and Maryann – know a thing or two about successful moves, having raised 4 children around the world during (retired) General Ivany’s military career. They were invited to speak as a team to those gathered for FIGT, and their sage and practical advice inspired the audience to give them a standing ovation at the end.
What are their secrets to building a close expat family?
1. Family closeness does not come by itself. You have to work at it. It takes extra effort.
2. Build excitement about the next move and be positive. They had a ritual of always getting out the State Farm atlas and finding their next location on the map. They learned about the location – whether it was foreign or domestic – and found things to look forward to.
3. Family rituals are important. Dr. Ivany drew laughter from the crowd when he talked about one family ritual they had – a weekly “Forced Family Fun” day! They called it “FQ” for short. Robert and Maryann would plan an activity that everyone could participate in and would enjoy – the kids knew that they needed to show up. How many of us have negotiated with kids who reject our ideas of fun? Instilling this ritual in family life when they are young, and sticking to it, meant that the family did spend lots of quality and FUN time together.
3. Focusing on something bigger than yourself keeps perspective. They found that practicing their religious faith was an anchor for the family as well.
4. Take advantage of unique surroundings. If there are camels to ride, ride them! If there are new sites to explore, find them.
5. Connect with other members of the community so that there is mutual support. Give as much as you take.
6. Stay in touch with family as you are separated. “Thank God for Skype!” Dr. Ivany exclaimed.
7. Check out the school. This was their number one challenge and concern throughout his military career, especially since they had one special needs child. Hopefully you will find the right school for your children – but if you don’t, find the support your child needs. If that means making changes, then do it.
8. Keep your sense of humor. There will be bad days, and you have to find a way to laugh.
The Ivany’s must have done something right. All four children are grown now and serving the military in one way or another – and still continue to travel the world. It’s no wonder that at the end of their humorous, candid, and inspiring talk, this husband and wife team received a standing ovation.
What are some things that have worked for keeping your expat families strong? I invite you to comment and share what you have learned, too!
Next – the Ivany’s tips for couples to keep their relationship strong.
Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: close families, diplomatic families, expat families, Foreign Service families, happy families, international mobility, international schools, military families, special needs children overseas.
1.
Ruth Van Reken | March 13, 2010 at 9:41 am
Instead of flying straight through, my parents always got off the plane and stayed a few days in the places we landed in Europe during our treks back and forth from the United States and Nigeria. They didn’t have a lot of money so we bought ham and bread in the local stores instead of going to retaurants and stayed in hostels instead of hotels. But it meant we saw many fascinating places while, even more importantly, building family history together. We decided to repeat that tradtion for our children when we lived in Liberia and flew back and forth to the States.
2.
beckygrappo | March 13, 2010 at 12:42 pm
When we lived in the Middle East, we used to do that with the kids, too! Every summer we would choose a different European city as our transit point and spend a couple of extra days exploring.
Now the kids are grown, and they’ve seen the major cities of Europe and have great memories. But I’ll be honest – there were times when they were tired, hungry, jet-lagged, tired of dragging suitcases around, and therefore less than enthusiastic about the prospect of a few days in a new foreign city. Sometimes they whined and complained – but we did it anyway! And now they realize what a special adventure that really was. I think that’s why the Ivany’s description of “Forced Family Fun” made me laugh so much!
3. Culture&Moore » Blog Archive » Educating Global Nomads blogs about FIGT | March 24, 2010 at 12:58 am
[...] some of the spaces that my notes and memory missed and they touch on some important topics; namely how to build a close expat family and advice for couples separated by assignments. Both were inspired by the plenary session entitled [...]
4.
Louise | March 26, 2010 at 10:02 am
As a family that is about to move again, and as a parent who likes the idea of the change but feels sad at pulling the children away from their wonderful friends and social network here, it is encouraging to read this article. It reiterates what I have been telling myself – good times are ahead, the children will adjust as long as we are strong and positive and invest our time in them and our family unit. Yes there will be down days, days when we think ‘what have we done’ but if we don’t we will never know and as everyone says to me – young children adapt (7 and 4).
From a rational perspective I KNOW that – from an emotional one my eyes mist over everytime I think of them saying goodbye to their friends and happy lives here – then I wobble – are we doing the right thing? But I know and these tips reinforce I have to be positive and sure in their eyes and then they will see it as a positive opportunity as well.
Some great advice – thankyou.
5.
beckygrappo | March 26, 2010 at 5:09 pm
I understand the mixed emotions about moving – I still have mixed feelings about this lifestyle after 25+ years of doing it. But it has overall been a positive experience for my family. I remind myself that even if we had never moved, we still would have faced challenges as a family. It’s just part of life.
I wrote an article for the Foreign Service Journal called “Transitions and Resiliency in Global Nomads” that you can find under “articles” on my website. Hopefully, it will give you a few ideas on how to make the transition smoother for your family.